Since I Have Been Obsessed With Death Lately...

I don't know if it's been for the last few years or what...but as far back as my college graduation, I have had a strange obsession with death.

No, I don't wear black everyday and all day, in mourning for my fellow man. (Actually, 'all-raven duds' is a common garb choice for many Portlanders, of which I must admit I am not a member.) I am not some atheist philosopher who rants and raves about the depravity of the world who is never jocular and who never smiles. I don't live in negative, pessimistic thought and speech, verbally seeking to douse joy or optimism of my fellow human being with back-handed remarks like: "What does it matter? We're all gonna die anyway."

Okay so I am not THAT obsessed with death.

BUT I must admit there was a phase in my life where I liked those Cold Case files shows and the like and would watch those every night after work like a strange seance was going on at my place. I think for at least six months to a year I was hooked. This was after my college days, say around 2002ish, I believe. The narrator's voice on the most eerily haunting show was (and still is) so mortifying, which only served to enhance the visceral experience of the harrowing, grisly murders constantly portrayed on that show. I remember the guy who played MLK on tv (the audience never sees his face, but I recognized his distinct voice), Paul something, narrated the City Confidential show on A+E.

The show always started out by showing us a town, Philly, or Minneapolis, and a lot of times, smallish New England hamlets or other small towns where murder would not seem to be lurking in every dark corner. Like in Michael Moore's films, he would start out by entertaining us and letting our audience settle in as he narrated the beauty of the city's skyline, or the huge bookstore that is frequented by tourists from all over. The images were pleasant early on in the show, and usually the lead-in to the show's 'drama' usually consisted of him referring to the town as a "quiet bucolic town." He loved that word 'bucolic.' I don't think he used many synonyms for variety's sake on the shows. 'Bucolic' was his word and he was sticking to it. Anyways, I remember the show always had him saying something like: "No one knew that this sleepy, bucolic town would be the setting for deceit, treachery, and MURDER!" Then the drumbeats kick in resonantly, and we cut to a commercial. Then when we come back to the show, we meet the participants and we play out the narrative up until and including the murder he discusses on this episode. I remember liking the structure of the show, like I was appreciative of the entertainment value the show provided.

I remember my friend and I joking that he always seemed 'on the sauce' or drunk when he narrated that show, and we would repeat his refrain of "No one knew...deceit, and treachery, and MURDER!" when we wanted to make each other laugh. We even saw the humor in how he seemed to revel in saying the word "MURDER," seemingly sensationalizing it at least verbally, and certainly seeking to keep us glued on to this show til after the commercial break. I always liked that show.

I also liked finding out about how Lumenol shows cleaned-up blood stains and Dr. Henry Wang who was like this wizard of finding murderers, and I always thought they ought to make a movie of him. I think Dr. Henry Wang was on Cold Case files. He was like the MacGyver of murders; when all hope is gone, bring this guy in and he'll save the day. Real story, too, not a fictional character which I enjoyed.

Now I don't watch tv much, but like myriad folks out there, I use the internet frequently. If I see a headline that has to do with death, I dig and pry and seek to find out who the person was, what the circumstances were, and the most salient item I search for: AGE OF PERSON'S DEATH. I feel so pathetic sometimes, like I have to check myself sometimes. I might think for a split second: "Oh, he was 68, so he lived a full life. He ended up with a bullet in his head, but he lived a long life so that's not as tragic as it happening to a 16-year-old." Stuff like that. But I must readily admit that seeing Caylee Anthony or even Jeremy Lusk (another blogging day, indeed) or countless numbers of young people who die everyday, it really gets to my core.

And then, how do I feel? I feel better in some ways. Even if I am having a rough day for whatever reason or if I am in a rough time in my life, or am not totally happy for some reason, I feel grateful to be alive. I feel grateful to be healthy. I feel grateful to be able to enjoy the world for at least another moment, and hopefully another day. But I still suspect that this wears on me perhaps psychologically as well...I may start to get very jaundiced about life and about humanity. (Indeed, I am a 'hopeful agnostic,' meaning I hope there is a God, but I feel that perhaps we will never know and that God could indeed be unknowable unless we invent him to try to find meaning in our lives---Another blogging day still.)

Indeed, I probably (maybe not) think about stuff like this more than most...I have ADHD so my mind races constantly about random thoughts and my mind jumps these thoughts and subjects more often than rabbits hump. Still, I cannot help but wonder that if I had a family, wife and kids, would I think about these questions as much? Would I think about them MORE since now I have others to look out for and protect?

Don't want to write pages and pages on this stuff though I could. But yes, I am obsessed with death, I think, and I am not sure how it has affected me or if it is normal, or if my moribund musing is a trait/phase that ought to be nipped in the bud unless I wish to have more shrink sessions than Woody Allen right after adoption day.

I will head off now, and yes, if I see another headline that goes over deaths, I will look for the 'age of person's death' and will lately try to find video of the person alive and really look into his/her eyes and think: 'This person was alive just yesterday.' Haunting, I know, but at least I can admit it and I am pretty sure I am not the only one.